Spoony Bard?

To my love

2005-02-14T00:02:00.000-08:00

Carolyn, this is for you. Others may read this, but ultimately, this is for you.

I don't know what caused me to think about it tonight, but I did. I thought about the night I was supposed to leave for the Navy. I thought about how you stayed with me all day, smiling as best you could despite what you knew was coming. We walked around, we had dinner, we did anything and everything we could think of just so we could do more things. You stayed with me as long as you could that night - telling *me* to be strong, reassuring *me* that things were going to be okay. I felt so empty once you left, you had very quickly become part of my life. Then you called to wake me up, just to tell me you loved me one more time. You stayed awake until 4am to tell me you loved me once more. I know if I ever told you how much that all means to me. It's not because I forgot, or because I didn't realize it, or because I just didn't think about it -- it's because I didn't, and still don't, have the words to tell you. It ... it just meant so much. I could use different words to try to express it better, but I still don't think it would work. Just thinking about everything that whole day and whole night brings tears to my eyes. You make me happy, and I just wanted you to know that.

Thank you.

I love you.

Five Hundred Twenty Five Thousand...

2005-01-18T23:21:00.000-08:00

Okay, so the title's lame, and I can't guarantee the post is going to be any cooler, but it's thoughts I had, and I want to write them down.

The eternal question: what is love? I don't have any concrete answers (yet) but I've got something to say on the topic. So here it is.

What is love? Is love flowers on an anniversary? Or is it an expensive present on christmas? Yes and no. To say no would be a lie, because you have to love someone to want to do something like that for them -- but does that make it the defining factor in love? I don't think so. A paper card with a heart-felt message on an anniversary and "macaroni on cardboard" for christmas would suffice just as well for those two events. It shows that you care enough for someone to take time out of your schedule to do something for them. It shows that you're willing to give them time and materials that you could have used for yourself, but you felt them more important. Because they are. It's a sign of love...

... but it's not *love*. It's just a sign. Of course, I'm sure it's different for everyone. To some people, love is going in debt to get them what they've always wanted. And they're not wrong. Giving up something you've got, to give something they want is always a good sign that you're in love.

But this isn't about where others find love, this is about me. You know, my blog, about me. That's kinda how this works.

I found out what love is to me. Love isn't a ring, it isn't new pants, it isn't a weekend in hawaii. A ring symbolizes the love, pants are something someone you love could use, and everyone loves a weekend in hawaii, but that's neither here nor there.

Love is still-tied shoelaces - tied by the one you love. Love is a stuffed dog that doesn't leave one's side. Love is feeling so comfortable around someone that you want nothing more that to sleep on them -- just to feel for one night that things are okay. Love is listening to something the one you love talks about, that you don't care about, but you listen anyways - just to hear their voice. Love is a set of voice messages that you don't want to delete because they were sent by the one you love. Love is a book with a note written it. Love is "one more minute."

Love is still-tied shoelaces. And I have it.

Back by popular (or singular) demand

2005-01-16T11:22:00.000-08:00

So I'm posting again. I'm not very good at this "regular" thing. But I guess when you've got nothing to say, there's no point in repeating that fact.

I've got no job, still. I try to make sure I do something job related every day. Be it taking a skills test, reading the newspaper classifieds, sending my resume somewhere (or 4 somewheres) online, or taking in a job interview. I like how I now do job interviews the way most people take in movies. It feels that way sometimes. You go in with a certain predisposition, which often affects how you experience it. When you're done, you feel like you're slightly different for it, but for the most part, your life would have gone on more or less the same had you not went.

Ok, that was sorta lame.

Nonetheless, I don't know what I want to do with my life again - par for the course these days. Still have most of the desires to be an 8 year old again. It's a big problem for me. I can't accept the fact that I need to be responsible, I need to be old, I need to be assertive. I'm not these things, but I guess I need to learn how. I need to figure out what I want, and go for it. That should be easy enough.

What do I want?
What do I need?

...

Why do I bet that those two are not going to have the same answer. Life doesn't tie itself up nicely like that... too many loose ends, too many frayed edges... it's never a simple solution.

Never.

WhoWhereWhat?

2004-11-15T13:03:00.000-08:00

I am becoming lost again. That's not quite true actually. I know very well where I am. The Here and Now of things is as clear as it's ever been. It's where I'm going, where I'm headed, what I'm to become that has become like the mist of a late evening or early morning. It's all around you, you feel it everywhere you go and in everything you do... but you can't touch it, you can't manipulate it, you can't really affect it except to move through it and see what's on the other side.

I look at jobs, I look at schools, I look at new careers. I look at things like I'm 8 again. What do I want to be when I grow up? I'm 23 - and I want to be a construction worker, a fire fighter, a police officer. About the only thing I don't want to be is a cowboy.

So, ultimately, if you've got career suggestions or jobs for me, please, do share :) I'd love to have a job.

Oh - and can you find the subtle change in my board? Good luck!

Hmm

2004-10-02T10:38:00.000-07:00

19 days and the world's not stoppin'

Things are reeling so fast, and I don't know what to do....

I couldn't wait for October to get here so I could get going on it, and now I can't believe it's 19 days away. It seems like so much time is just... *gone*

But I've got 19 days to live it up. Guess I'll get on that, then.

*taps foot idly*

pichu!

2004-08-25T08:27:00.000-07:00

Pichu! Pichu!

Piiiiiii-Chu!

Pi!

....chu...

???

2004-08-13T10:06:00.000-07:00

I just don't know...

fear of being happy, perhaps?

Another delay

2004-08-11T09:03:00.000-07:00

But it's justified this time! I've been in Florida. But now I'm back. This state is *cold*

It's the middle of August and it's only 61! what's going on?!?

Enough of that, though. On to more important things... like I have any.

The fact that I leave for the navy in a matter of a couple of months has begun looming over me more and more. I wonder if I'll have time to do the things I want to do, to say the things I want to say, all while preparing myself for this life change. I don't want to go into boot camp with any regrets, but I'm sure I will. As time passes, people get left behind. They're casualties of the war on life. Somewhere, deep down, I fear (know?) that leaving for boot will be leaving all my friends behind for good. That I may never see them again. Or if I do, I know it'll never be the same. I will never be the same person that I am today -- and it remains to be seen if that is a good thing or not.

I went shopping today - but I didn't buy anything. This is rare, but I'm poor and getting better at convincing myself there's just a lot of stuff that I don't need. Not the point. I was trying on clothes (as one typically does when shopping) when I was surprised by what I saw in the mirror. It's not that I've got bleached hair and scared myself, or that I had some horrible new disfiguring hair style...

I saw two of me. It's as though a hologram was cast directly over me. I could see who I am now - 22, joining the Navy, goatee, tall, somewhat confident in himself... and underneath it all, I saw the kid who sat in department stores with his mother while she did the shopping. The kid who climbed under racks looking for things to play with (which is in short supply in a department store). The one who still had the rest of his life ahead of him. He's something I'll never be able to shake.. the gangly (yes, I was gangly as a kid if you couldn't have guessed ;) ) little boy I once was.

Or maybe I'm merely being especially introspective and with my current hairstyle I look pretty much the same from the back as I did 12 years ago.

Long time...

2004-07-23T08:39:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I've ignored the blog, this should be no surprise.

But the big problem is that it's supposed to be a place to express myself and my feelings and my thoughts. Except that most of my feelings or thoughts are not things I want everyone to know. I mean, I wouldn't mind if some of them knew... but there are certain thoughts that certain people shouldn't be privy to. (dangling participle).

All I know is I get in my car and I start driving places, and I don't much want to stop. I mean, I often want to get out of my car because I'm tired, but I want to *be* somewhere else. "The call of the road" if you will. Fortunately, I'll be hitting the road a week from today to go to Florida, and possibly going to New York in September. Hopefully this will last until I ship.

*hopes*

sigh

2004-06-30T22:33:00.000-07:00

So many thoughts...

I finally get to the point where I know what I want, only to find out that I might not be able to get it. But for the first time ever, I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get it. I just don't know if there's anything I can do actually get it... :-/

Lots more thoughts and ponderings, but it's late and I'm tired. So instead:

I'm not a perfect person
As many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why i need you to hear

I've found a resaon for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You [x4]

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you

Ow.

2004-06-27T23:52:00.000-07:00

So I'm sunburned. And I bet none of you care. well good for you. I wouldn't. Saturday was *awesome.* Went to the beach with some friends. Hung out. Did nothing.... 'cept go in the ice cold water, play a near epic game of v-ball, and barbeque on the beach. Definitely one of the least stressful days I've had in a long time.
Then we all went to Bennigans and gorged ourselves on massive quantities of food. How could that not rock.

Taught a lindy lesson today. Managed to get the basic out in about 12 minutes. Go Carole and I! w00t!

Came home, fixed the computer. And by fixed I mean "used a new processor, motherboard, case, memory and powersupply" to install a new OS. Seems to be working well. here's hopin'!

Interesting thoughts to ponder tonite... The presence and absence of religion in my life has been effecting my life lately, and tonite is no exception.

I think children should be free to find faith on their own. I used to think that meant not making them go or anything. But then I began to realize that not everyone is as lucky as I am to find people who will help them find it. So it's basically up to the parents to inform their kid. Obviously, the church can help (if not actually lead it itself) but it also falls on the parents to make sure that the children are given the chance and information to explore opposing or slightly different views.

I find it hard to believe something I've never heard opposing arguements for and religion is no exception. I feel as though my faith is stronger and better (by better I mean more intune with *me*) because I challenged it and found it in spite of what else I knew. I'm not just blindly accepting it.

*shrug* who knows.

yeah, besides God.

From Avenue Q:

Purpose,
It's that little flame
that lights a fire
under your ass.
Purpose,
it keeps you going strong
like a car with a full
tank of gas

random

2004-06-24T05:05:00.000-07:00

Today's morning lyrics have been brought to you by Dido...

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

ignorance...

2004-06-23T22:35:00.000-07:00

Hmm.. so I'm joining the navy. If this has caught any of you off guard, you've not read past the first line in my profile and that makes you silly.

Yet despite the fact that I'm joining the navy, during wartime - no less - I have no doubt in my mind that there's no threat to my life. Is this because I am merely ignorant to the situation in which I find myself? Or is it because I can reason out that I won't be in a position that is hazardous to my life?

Or... is it because I just know it's not my time yet and am safe. that there's someone watching over me.

I think it's a little bit of all of them. Perhaps mix that with a bit of arrogance and I think you've nailed it.

Regardless - I'm doing what I feel to be right - and I can't be faulted for that. I'll do my best. I can, and I will.

I am a United States Sailor.
I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States of America and I will obey the orders of those appointed over me.
I represent the fighing spirit of the Navy and those who have come before me to defend freedom and democracy around the world.
I serve my country's naval combat team with Honor, Courage and Commitment.
I am committed to excellence and the fair treatment of all.

I can - and I will.

I must.

Ugh

2004-06-23T04:49:00.000-07:00

To say that I'll never get used to early morning would (hopefully) be a lie given my career choice. That being said, I hate mornings. At least, mornings where I didn't get as much sleep as I would like. Which is just about all of them.

Off to work.

Currently replaying in head: Accidentally In Love - Counting Crows

Who knew?

2004-06-22T21:12:00.000-07:00

So boredom has lead me to create a blog. We'll see how it holds up. Who knows? Might give me a place to express myself.

Or perhaps it will allow to take up even more space on the web. Either way, I guess I'm accomplishing something.

So, in an effort to make this something worth pondering, I leave with a lyric that I currently hold dear.

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you:

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good